Most Definitely Not

“Go get your ass in a pretty dress and get ready to go to a club! We may have had a serious moment but it’s time to get back to work,” Renolds instructed as we reached her apartment building.

“Great…” I sighed.

“What?”

I was dreading what could come of the club, to say the least, but I couldn’t tell Renolds that. So I said, “I don’t know what to wear.”

“Never fear when you have my closet!” she dashed off and disappeared up the stairs. I followed at a leisurely pace and was greeted at the door by a beaming Renolds holding a tiny lavender, spaghetti strapped dress.

“Purple? This is not a color I’ve ever seen you anywhere near before.”

“It’s solely for borrowing purposes!”

“A community dress. How wonderful. I can’t wait to get it on…”

“Hush up and get dressed! The sun’s setting. We need to get going,” Renolds dragged me into the apartment and proceeded to push me into the bathroom with the purple dress.

“Sorry. I forgot you only have the night time to go outside,” I smirked.

“I’m deeply offended you’d compare me to a creature from Twilight. Now stop procrastinating and get your ass in that dress!”

She slammed the door in my face before I could make a remark. As I slipped off my shirt, I was straddling Astrid. Her hands lifted the weight of clothing off my skin without missing a beat in kissing me.

I looked around the bathroom as if waking up from a dream. I had actually been that close to Astrid… I had actually almost had sex with Astrid…

That was all too much to comprehend. So I shook my head of anything to do with her and put on my poker face. I had an entire day of sunlight to deal with that once morning hit. For the night however, there was no Astrid. That afternoon never happened. And I certainly did not have any hickeys on my boobs to cover up. Most definitely not…

I zipped up the dress, took the price tag off with a relief (I knew exactly where the dress had been), and ran my fingers through my hair. That night, I was going to lose my straight virginity.

Maybe.

Clarity

We were laying on her black comforter in her bed. I couldn’t help but be uncomfortably aware that she slept there. Every night (hopefully alone so I could change that).

The room smelled like her: fresh, slightly flowery, mostly clean and pure.

A movie I never saw played on the T.V. but I wasn’t watching. How could I watch a movie when Astrid was lying next to me?

Her hand was painfully close to my thigh; I could feel the heat from her fingers but not the weight of her palm. Her head was resting on my shoulder; her breath grazing my ear, driving me crazy. Her feet were brushing mine. She was so close… but not close enough.

“This movie is perfect. You can’t help but smile because of it,” she said.

I nodded. I was sure it was perfect and smile inducing, but I couldn’t focus. I felt Astrid’s eyes studying me so I looked at her.

There was a pause. The world stopped for a second. Nothing moved, no one breathed. The world didn’t turn. The oceans didn’t wave. No one said a word.

She leaned in, and she kissed me. It was soft and simple. A friendly peck. But it was a kiss.

My arms needed to wrap around her. My legs had to be tangled in hers. My lips required hers back on mine. She was suddenly my life support.

Yet, I didn’t crane my neck for more. I didn’t try to drape myself with her. I only looked at Astrid, neither of us moving.

“You’re allowed to kiss me again,” she said. It amazed me that she could find words in a moment like that.

Somehow, we ended up kissing. Our lips were pasted together. Our legs were intertwined. Our arms were enclosed with each other. We were a knot, tied together. Nothing was ever clearer than in those long kisses.

Radiating

***Author's note: Sorry for the absense. But I'm back and posting now. A quick recap: Florence realizes Renolds and the last few nights with  her were not part of some drug induced dream. Now, with Florence intently not thinking about Astrid, Renolds leaves her with Tedd for the day and, much to her surprise, Astrid is there.***

After a long awaited grilled cheese, Tedd brought me his phone. He left me to make my call alone, but Astrid didn’t think to have the same courtesy. I wasn’t surprised though, she was a curious person. 

I was too busy not thinking about Astrid to worry about calling my house.

“Hello,” I said.

My mother broke into hysterics. All I caught was “Where have you been?!”

“Well…” I didn’t even think about my lie. “Not too far away. I met up with a friend and I’ve been staying with her.”

“Who? Why?!”

“Renolds,” I couldn’t think of her last name. Astrid, thankfully, passed me a note, “Renolds Willow. I needed a change in scene. Maybe it’s stupid, but I’m 18 now. I can stay with a friend if I want.”

“What about school? And you just turned 18! You can’t do this.”

“I’ll figure it out. I can make my own decisions. I’m fine and safe. That’s what matters. If that stance changes, I’ll let you know. Goodbye.” I hung up the phone.

Astrid’s blue eyes bared questions I wouldn’t answer. “You okay?” she asked.

“I don’t really care.”

“If you’re okay?”

“What my parents think.”

“Do they know you’re gay?”

I stopped. Had I mentioned that to her? I didn’t even know if I was gay… What the hell… My frustration grew and flitted across my face.

“You are gay, aren’t you?” I shrugged. “You just… you seem so. I’m sorry. You have gay vibes.”

I laughed out loud at this. “Gay vibes? Are we on acid now?”

“No. At least I’m not. But some people radiate gay. Other’s radiate straight. It’s something I see because I pay attention. Like right now you won’t meet my eye. You haven’t all day. You haven’t had that problem before so I know you’re uncomfortable. I pay attention to these things, Florence Lee. So I know.”

Nodding, I stood up to find Tedd again. “Are you mad?” she asked.

“No. Just… well. Exhausted. In the mental sort of way that sleep doesn’t help.”

“I know a way that will help,” Her eyes lit up with a grin. It wasn’t malevolent or provocative. It was an excited grin. So I let her take me by the hand and guide me away from the world I was constantly avoiding.