Pretexts

“I had this…friend,” Renolds began as we walked. “I use the term friend loosely. She…got into some bad things and ended up…well, dead. Yeah… She’s dead.”

Her eyes glazed over for a long moment. She shook her head and took a deep breath in, letting it out slowly.

“I’ve never said those words out loud before. I don’t know if I ever even said it to myself before. It was hard, to say the least.

“I’m not the kind of person who frowns and hurts. I move on and live. I don’t linger. But it’s hard not to dwell on the past when that’s the only place where your best friend is.

“So, I left my old town. I ran away and I had no one. For a few years I was so lost in partying and drinking… I don’t remember those years well. Eventually I woke up in the apartment of a person I didn’t know for what I wanted to be the last time. I was done being lost.

“I got a job and an apartment. I’m still not tamed, per say, but I have limits.

“I know what it’s like to be lost. Hell, I still am. Hopefully, somewhere in the confusion that is my life, you’ll find yourself.”

Renolds shrugged and took a seat on the curb. It amazed me that a girl so tiny had such a long life in so few years.

I watched her slip off her flats and set her feet on the black pavement. Perfect red toes that walked her past losing everything wiggled like it was a breezy summer day.

“Now, what’s your sob story, Flo?”

I snorted. “Does the lack of one count?”

Renolds smiled, her eyes filling with mischief and excitement again.

“Come on. Let’s go home.” We walked arm in arm, with her shoes dangling from her hand. The word home seemed like a pretty okay description for the place we were going.

Purgatory

When Renolds asked what I did that day as we settled back into her cluttered apartment , I bit my lip and suppressed answering with “Astrid”.

“Nothing,” I said slyly. It was partially true, anyways. Keyword: partially.

“Jolly good. Now, how do you feel about penis?”

“Uh… what?”

“I know. It’s a scary thing, but your bicurious adventure has been fairly monotonous. What kind of tour guide to sexuality would I be if I didn’t show you everything?”

“The kind I’d like…”

“You can’t pick out a dress without seeing all the stores first.”

“Many people do,” I pointed out.

“Well not my followers. So, we are going clubbing tonight.”

“Great… I can already smell the liquor…”

“Don’t make that face at me, Flo! You need this. Trust me. Aren’t I your lesbian goddess or something?” The Bitch smirked.

“You’re lucky I don’t have means to leave,” I play threatened.

“What would you leave me for? And where would you go?”

“I…” I didn’t know. There wasn’t a home to go back to; that was merely a house with parents. My friends weren’t really friends. There was Lika, but I kissed and ditched her so that wasn’t an option. I didn’t know any of Renolds’ friends well enough. There was Astrid but our relationship was shaky and unsure.

All I had was Renolds.

Despite residing in a purgatory between home and hell, I was surprisingly at ease.

“I don’t know,” I finally said.

“And that’s why I’m here,” for the first time since I met, Renolds, she was serious. She rested a cool hand on mine and smiled weakly.

“It’s early. Let’s take a walk.” Pulling me off the couch, I watched her eyes flicker. Something dark was immersed in the green of her eyes. A secret. A past.

I followed, transfixed by the Renolds I hadn’t yet gotten to know.

'See You Later's

Tedd didn’t even flinch when he walked in. That made me incredibly nervous and self conscious. You see, I was pinned under his sister with only a bra on and her entire top was bare. Was it normal for him to walk into a scene like that? Was she a slut? And what the hell was I doing? How long had I even known Astrid? A few days...Then again, Renolds would be proud.

“I should probably get you back to Renolds,” I heard him say. I hoped he was averting his eyes… but I couldn’t see him past Astrid.

“That was…awkward,” I said when he closed the door. I rolled out from under Astrid and began regaining myself.

“We’ve had our fair share of awkward moments.”

“So he always walks in on you and another girl?” I half joked. The other half was fairly concerned.

“Can’t say that’s happened before. But when you’ve walked in on your brother in the middle of it with some other guy, he owes you an awkward moment.”

I sighed but found a worrisome lump stuck in my throat. There was another looming question. “So…”

“So…”

We stood at opposite ends of the bed, clothed, and fairly composed. The only sign of our afternoon was our disheveled hair.

“Is this it?” I asked.

Astrid snorted. “What, are you going away? Or sending me away?

“Yeah,” I smirked, “to Iceland. The box is postmarked and ready to go.”

“Aren’t I at least worth a flight?” she laughed a bouncing laugh, making me smile. “But honestly, you’ve been here, what? A week? And I’ve ran into you a multitude of times. We’ll see each other again.”

“But…”

“Look, you seem to be one of the few people who has a mind and a voice in this world. You intrigue me. And I know I intrigue you. I see the way you watch me. So, no, it’s not it. We’ll see each other again. Maybe we’ll do this again. We’re going to be friends at the least. And I’ll send you a post card from Iceland. Okay?”

“Okay…” I was hesitant. If we left our afternoon here, nothing could be made out of it. Which I wanted… or didn’t… God… I didn’t know.

I looked up from my pensive state to find her standing beside me, “Don’t worry kid,” she placed a hand on my cheek.

My heart flipped, my stomach turned. Goddamn it, Astrid. “I should go…”

“You should,” she said while her eyes screamed “stay here”. I turned away and left before I didn’t have the strength to do so.

“I’ll see you,” I said.

“You sure as hell will,” arms wrapped around my middle and a kiss was placed on my cheek. I was pushed out the door and on my way back to Renolds before I could comprehend what happened. 

Clarity

We were laying on her black comforter in her bed. I couldn’t help but be uncomfortably aware that she slept there. Every night (hopefully alone so I could change that).

The room smelled like her: fresh, slightly flowery, mostly clean and pure.

A movie I never saw played on the T.V. but I wasn’t watching. How could I watch a movie when Astrid was lying next to me?

Her hand was painfully close to my thigh; I could feel the heat from her fingers but not the weight of her palm. Her head was resting on my shoulder; her breath grazing my ear, driving me crazy. Her feet were brushing mine. She was so close… but not close enough.

“This movie is perfect. You can’t help but smile because of it,” she said.

I nodded. I was sure it was perfect and smile inducing, but I couldn’t focus. I felt Astrid’s eyes studying me so I looked at her.

There was a pause. The world stopped for a second. Nothing moved, no one breathed. The world didn’t turn. The oceans didn’t wave. No one said a word.

She leaned in, and she kissed me. It was soft and simple. A friendly peck. But it was a kiss.

My arms needed to wrap around her. My legs had to be tangled in hers. My lips required hers back on mine. She was suddenly my life support.

Yet, I didn’t crane my neck for more. I didn’t try to drape myself with her. I only looked at Astrid, neither of us moving.

“You’re allowed to kiss me again,” she said. It amazed me that she could find words in a moment like that.

Somehow, we ended up kissing. Our lips were pasted together. Our legs were intertwined. Our arms were enclosed with each other. We were a knot, tied together. Nothing was ever clearer than in those long kisses.

***Author's Note***

Sorry for the brief delay in the story for shameless self promotion but.. I've entered a scholarship contest with one of my stories and it would be lovely of you all to vote for my entry. Voting is until May 16th. Ten votes a day, everyday can be submitted. So support a budding author so she can get scholarship money, go to college, and become a real author...Please! It'd be much appreciated.
http://createrealimpact.com/view/8886
Here is a link to my entry. If you find any problems, just let me know or go to the website (Createrealimpact.com) and find a writing piece called The Incident. I appreciate any votes!
The Bicurious Times of Florence Lee will resume with a new post in the next few days.
Thank you
~aerie

Radiating

***Author's note: Sorry for the absense. But I'm back and posting now. A quick recap: Florence realizes Renolds and the last few nights with  her were not part of some drug induced dream. Now, with Florence intently not thinking about Astrid, Renolds leaves her with Tedd for the day and, much to her surprise, Astrid is there.***

After a long awaited grilled cheese, Tedd brought me his phone. He left me to make my call alone, but Astrid didn’t think to have the same courtesy. I wasn’t surprised though, she was a curious person. 

I was too busy not thinking about Astrid to worry about calling my house.

“Hello,” I said.

My mother broke into hysterics. All I caught was “Where have you been?!”

“Well…” I didn’t even think about my lie. “Not too far away. I met up with a friend and I’ve been staying with her.”

“Who? Why?!”

“Renolds,” I couldn’t think of her last name. Astrid, thankfully, passed me a note, “Renolds Willow. I needed a change in scene. Maybe it’s stupid, but I’m 18 now. I can stay with a friend if I want.”

“What about school? And you just turned 18! You can’t do this.”

“I’ll figure it out. I can make my own decisions. I’m fine and safe. That’s what matters. If that stance changes, I’ll let you know. Goodbye.” I hung up the phone.

Astrid’s blue eyes bared questions I wouldn’t answer. “You okay?” she asked.

“I don’t really care.”

“If you’re okay?”

“What my parents think.”

“Do they know you’re gay?”

I stopped. Had I mentioned that to her? I didn’t even know if I was gay… What the hell… My frustration grew and flitted across my face.

“You are gay, aren’t you?” I shrugged. “You just… you seem so. I’m sorry. You have gay vibes.”

I laughed out loud at this. “Gay vibes? Are we on acid now?”

“No. At least I’m not. But some people radiate gay. Other’s radiate straight. It’s something I see because I pay attention. Like right now you won’t meet my eye. You haven’t all day. You haven’t had that problem before so I know you’re uncomfortable. I pay attention to these things, Florence Lee. So I know.”

Nodding, I stood up to find Tedd again. “Are you mad?” she asked.

“No. Just… well. Exhausted. In the mental sort of way that sleep doesn’t help.”

“I know a way that will help,” Her eyes lit up with a grin. It wasn’t malevolent or provocative. It was an excited grin. So I let her take me by the hand and guide me away from the world I was constantly avoiding.

Surprises

Standing behind the counter, Renolds was talking to a guy. He was on the bulky side with brown hair and freckles. She waved me over, washing me in fear. Was she going to set me up with this guy? I was getting tired of her shenanigans. I needed a break.

“This is Tedd. With two d’s. He’s one of my old friends. He’s a nice kid. Today, you’re his responsibility.”

“Hey. You’re Florence, right?”

“Right… Um, Renolds…” Of course, she scurried off to take an order. “Hi,” I said.

“I won’t even ask what Renolds has put you through. I know her well enough to know questions aren’t welcome. You poor thing. Let’s take you to my place and get you a decent meal. When was the last time you ate something decent?”

I couldn’t remember.

“I’m so sorry for my friend. Come on,” so I followed the nice man. He seemed kind enough, and he honestly was.

We got into his car and drove away. “It’s been a strange week,” I said, “That’s the only reason I’d ever get into a car with someone I didn’t know.”

“I know. Renolds told me she found you frazzled and drunk. She’s a humanitarian, honestly. Can’t help but help the poor bastard who’s trying to stick the spoon in the outlet. That was a terrible analogy but Renolds does mean the best. She just shows it in odd ways.”

“She does…”

“But has she helped?” Tedd asked.

I pondered for a moment. “She has. I would’ve never, ever in my life experimented as much if it weren’t for her. She pushed me over the edge but I found it to be a two foot jump rather than the cliff I thought it was.”

“Wow. I’ve known you for five minutes and my senseless analogies are rubbing off on you.”

I laughed. Tedd was decent, more so than anyone I’ve met yet. “No offense, but how are you friends with Renolds? Her friends are so…”

“Extravagant. I know. I went to high school with Renny. We didn’t become friends until the summer after we graduated, though. She was different. Yet she’s shifted into this mold that’s all her own. She’s a character but you have to love her.”

“You do,” I nodded.

“Here we are,” we pulled into the parking lot of an apartment building. I recognized where we were for once, about twenty minutes from my house. I had no intentions or desires to go back, though.

“Hey, can I use your phone at some point?”

“Sure.” I knew I needed to call my parents. They shouldn’t have to worry about me. I was fine… mostly.

I followed Tedd up to his apartment. As he grabbled for his keys, the door swung open and I found myself staring, surprised, at Astrid.

“Tedd! Where did you go? You just disappeared and…” she cut off midsentence.

“Oh. Sorry Sis. I had a Renolds emergency and I had to go…”

“You picked up her stray I see,” I blushed. She waved us in and stared at me. Her words weren’t curt or mean. They were matter of fact.

Rigid, I sat down. I forced myself not to look at her. It was going to be hard enough spending the afternoon with Astrid when she was exactly what I was not thinking about.

Five Minutes

Sitting in a café, Renolds lazily sipped at a mocha, crossing her cowboy boot adorned ankles.

“What am I in for today?”

“Green tea, I see.”

“After this, I mean.”

“I haven’t looked that far ahead. But I do, indeed work. So you’re going to have to entertain yourself. Don’t get lost. And try not to roam to far from here. Keep your phone on and don’t screw anyone hotter than me without calling first. Okay?”

“Yes, Mother.”

“I’m no one’s Mother, missy. That’s biologically impossible. Now go entertain yourself,” she stood up and wrapped an apron around her tight jeans. Watching her hips sway, I smiled slightly to myself.

Watching everyone in the café, I thought about the day before: I had to face my thoughts eventually.

Astrid… I would deal with her later.

My sexuality. I considered it. Girls were nice. They were simple and easy, at least for me. Guys… I hadn’t had so much experience with. I knew I was into girls, that much was certain. As for the entire concept of a sexual orientation label, it seemed irrelevant.

Now, Astrid… I decided to take a walk.

The air cleared my mind easily. I focused on the roar of a car, the crunch of leaves, the swirl of wind. I didn’t need to think about anything other than what was around me.

For five minutes, everything was simple and easy. Nothing was confusing. There was no Astrid, no Renolds, no Lika. There was only me and my simple, easy thoughts.

When I found myself back in the café, I knew my five minutes of easiness were behind me.

Not Thinking

I closed my eyes and focused all my energy on not thinking about Astrid.

I hummed the melody of the song in my head. The song gave way to lyrics about love and heartbreak, as most songs do. Astrid flittered behind my eyelids.

I tried to count sheep. Sheep number 32 became Astrid’s steady eyes on mine.

I took a deep breath and concentrated on the air moving in and out. In and out.

Walking along a brick wall, I came across a man. “What’s your trouble, lady?” he asked.

“None. None at all.”

“I see the bags under your eyes. What’s your trouble?”

“A girl.”

“Always is the trouble,” he offered me a cigarette and I took it, graciously. The smoke twirled around me. Inhale the sweet nicotine. Exhale the unwanted thoughts.

“What’s the name?” he asked.

I didn’t know. So I continued to take life-saving drags on the relaxing cigarette.

“Thank you.” I whispered, dropping the remains of the stick on the ground. Turning away, I felt the stress settle right back in to where it was.

“Sleeping at noon. I’m beginning to have a bad influence on you,” Renolds called from her perch by the window. I watched her lazily turn a cigarette over and over in her mouth.

“Is that even lit?”

“No smoking on the floor. Besides, my vices don’t include lit matches. I’d rather not deal with burns and ashes.”

She hopped up and roused me off the couch.

“What are we doing today?”

“I was figuring you needed a day off.”

“I do…” I sighed, falling back over into a sleeping position.

“Up! I didn’t mean you could sleep all day. We’re not lazy here.”

“Gah! Don’t you work or something.”

“Every night on the corner,” Renolds grinned wickedly.

“Hilarious. Honestly though, what do you do with your life?”

“Live!” she skipped off, throwing new clothes to me as she left. “Please shower! Your hair needs help,” she called from her bedroom.

Longing for the cigarette in my dream, I did as I was told.

Moments

Wrapping paper and practically the entire Spencer’s store were strewn over the floor. Sadie sipped her wine and plunged into the story of her first gay kiss. Her old friends were liberally painting the story with forgotten details and exaggerations.

“Lika,” Sadie started with a nostalgic smile. “Do you remember her?”

“Big ass,” grinned a brunette with round eyes.

“And big lips,” a blonde girl that looked familiar said.

I blushed for the sake of Lika. She did have big lips… I pondered that for a second and promptly decided to forget before I got lost in the gutter that was my mind. I still found myself slipping back to that first kiss…

“Listen,” Renolds elbowed me.

“She pulled me aside,” Sadie continued.

“More like pushed you against a wall,” Round Eyes filled in.

“And kissed me.”

“Stuck her tongue down your throat,” Blonde Girl snorted.

Sadie sighed. “You’re ruining my memories. I like to forget that part of it. She was also shaking and nervous but damn, her lips made up for it all.”

“Let me tell my story!” Round Eyes jumped in, “I was 16 and it was with this girl… Oh what was her name?”

“Shelia, right?” someone asked.

“Sure that works. Anyways, we were cashiers together. The store was never busy so we usually ended up sitting behind the counter and talking. One day, I just leaned over and kissed her. We were bored so we kept kissing. It was… interesting. But she was like, 22 and experienced. So I won’t complain.”

“She was not 22! She was 17. Maybe.”

Round Eyes rolled her eyes and sighed. “You guys always make my stories less interesting…” she pouted. Sadie offered her some more wine and she perked right up.

“Hey New Girl,” Blonde Girl looked at me.

“Florence.”

“Right. What about you? What was your moment?”

I shrugged. “I haven’t had a moment yet.”

Renolds eyed me, “Have I done anything for you? I got you laid, in a closet with that Eva chick, and around all these fabulous people,” she said that last part with a hint of sarcasm, “And after everything I’ve done, you’re going straight on me?”

“I never said that. Don’t worry.”

As Renolds face eased back into her façade, the door opened and Astrid walked in. Her blonde hair was pulled back, showing her heart shaped face. Her dark eyes danced around and landed on me. Pulling her lips into a small smile, she said, “Sorry I’m late,” she didn’t peel her eyes away from me until Sadie ran up to her for a hug.

My entire body was on edge: my spine was straight; my heart was racing; my hands were shaking. I closed my eyes and my moment passed.